Healing From a Broken Heart
Do it with a broken heart
Wounds are painful, wounds take time to heal. Treatment for physical wounds is seen and/or felt – a plaster, stitches, and dressing all aid the healing process. Based on the severity of non-life-threatening wounds we’re able to anticipate fully healing from personal past experience or for the more serious wounds look at the timeframe given to us by a medic in their knowledge/experience. Whether mere inconvenience or excruciating pain we have to continue doing day-to-day tasks as best as we can in our capability even though it hurts and is more difficult.
Studies show our bodies can feel emotional pain in the same way as physical pain so while there are differences between the two the similarities are greater than one might think. A University of Michigan study states ‘…. social rejection and physical pain are similar not only in that they are both distressing, but they also share a common representation in somatosensory brain systems as well.’1 The findings of the study were consistent with others which have identified activation of the same areas in the brain for both emotional pain and physical pain.
In comparison of the two types of pain, one thing in common is continuing on in life in our condition. A grazed knee, a bruised eye, a deep cut, whatever it is we have to carry on. I have reminded myself of this a number of times – I’m doing X, Y, and Z with a broken heart. This is a necessary reminder to myself because with this emotional wound, if I don’t exercise self-control, I’ll spend too much time in my feelings overthinking, wallowing in my sorrow. Time needed to have been spent as part of the process, but time with a limit.
It’s true ‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.’ (Proverbs 12:12 NLT) I’ve experienced it. I’m living it.
Why?
My healing process is ongoing – there are bad days, and there are better days. There are days I feel I’ve regressed or ‘undone’ my healing by ‘re-opening the wound’ (one parallel between physical and emotional wound healing made vivid to me through memorable yet tragic criminal law study). How? By entertaining tiny shreds of hope in the various ways they were presented to me. Whenever those shreds of hope diminished to nothing and I took a complete grip on reality as I had done before, I sunk to those deepest depths of pain all over again. I’m purposely avoiding going into detail here because I still would like some of those shreds of hope to make sense. I’m not obsessing though because I’ve come to a place of acceptance. Hope and dreams (both meanings I.e., desire and images in the mind during sleep) have two possible outcomes: yes, it will happen, or no it won’t. In my situation no was always the most logical and the most likely final outcome.
In my first and last individual talking therapy session (perhaps I’ll write more on that in ‘mind’) several years ago my therapist asked me something along the lines of ‘How do you feel if you never know all the answers?’ I remember saying, ‘I’m OK with that’. Back then I was finding my way through a quarter-life crisis. Just like a young child constantly asking why I too want to know why certain things have happened the way that I have; why I had to go through the hurt and pain. Especially, if it looks completely pointless or isn’t a consequence of my own actions. Yes, I know pain and suffering are a part of life being the inevitable result of sin, look at Job. This doesn’t stop me from questioning it though.
From time to time, I have ruminated in an attempt to find out what I need to learn, or what I could do to avoid the same in the future. And all that rumination is usually after a fruitless consideration of why painful events ever happened in the first place.
Why did my heart have to get broken?
‘It will be years before you see why.’ I’ve been told by the person whose advice is golden – my Mum. Words of wisdom gained through life experiences with heartbreak, struggle, and pain of her own are extremely valuable to me.
Healing a broken heart
Steps to healing my broken heart after Step 1 which I’ll write about below won’t necessarily be in chronological order or linear for two main reasons. First, like I said it hasn’t been a straight progression. Second, I’ll write from a place of reflection or the present as I’m led by the Holy Spirit. (Btw I’m just going to keep throwing references to my blog title if you haven’t already noticed. Of course, Spirit-led applies to everything down to life itself and ‘steps’ can fit in with virtually everything I write)
That being said Step 1 is Step 1 because I believe it is the first step.
Step 1: Acknowledgement
I knew my heart was broken as a result of successive disappointments and hurts – not all relationship-wise. However, the end of past relationships are most significant and painful. The length of time (years) makes me not want to admit I’m still heartbroken. It’s been so long. How can I still be heartbroken after so long? Writing this out points out to me that maybe I do need to do some more acknowledgement and acceptance of my own because what is the standard length of time to heal? There is no standard and any vague calculations I have adding up to ‘too long’ are incorrect. Note to self: throw away this baseless formula and sums already.
Anyway, back to when I knew. I would cry loads. I would cry on the way to work dry my eyes then head to the bathroom as soon as I got in then burst into tears- frustrating when I’d just dried my eyes. Loss of appetite, overwhelm, anger, bargaining, and sadness pretty much describe what I went through in the early days when it was new. Anger, bargaining, and depression are stages two, three, and four respectively in Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five-stage grief model.2 The fifth is acceptance. I was angry at the pain, angry at the confusion brought about by bargaining those shreds of hope in my mind. Less intense periods followed and follow to this day where I’m alternating between stages four and five or feel both at the same time.
Heartbreak through the death of a loved one involves grief as does the end of a relationship to varying degrees. The root cause of grief is sin resulting from the fall of humanity. ‘But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die’ God warned. (Genesis 2:17) Adam and Eve ate the fruit from the tree making death of humans inevitable also it was the end of their relationship with God as they once knew it. Here we have death and a separation met by grief ‘that was felt in heaven as it was announced that they had transgressed the law of God…’ (Ellen G. White, Lift Him Up, 23.4)
It took determination to get through the tough days – keeping to my usual routine with a broken heart. See what I wrote in the first paragraph above about continuing on no matter how it hurts. ‘I’m doing it with a broken heart’ indicates action by the verb ‘doing’. Action no matter how big or small is a positive sign. You’re keeping active – moving on and forward in life. Now, ‘With a broken heart’. Admitting the pain is there is so helpful, rather than denying the pain is there. Denial runs the risk of masking the pain with unhelpful, worse still destructive thoughts and behaviours. Once acknowledged it can be addressed through healthier coping mechanisms/the healing process.
At times I found another helpful way of thinking was appreciating I’m not the only one with or who has ever had a broken heart. One of the different ways to shift my attention off of myself and my pain making me not so self-absorbed.
God’s healing requires some work on my part. Taking responsibility for my part in the healing process has involved prayer, meditation, journaling, and reflection which I’ll talk about in future posts.
If what I’ve written here is relatable in any way be comforted and encouraged by:
‘He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.’ Psalm 147:3
‘Thou tellest my wanderings; put thou my tears into thy bottle; are they not in thy book?’ Psalm 56:8
References
- Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., & Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America. Page 4 accessed at http://selfcontrol.psych.lsa.umich.edu/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/2011_3_Kross_etal_PNAS1.pdf
- On Death and Dying. What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy, and their own families. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross 1969 Macmillan